![]() ![]() What happened to you?Ĭrash Bandicoot: I started watching some really good things on my phone. Okay Crash, is this why you called us? To get some talking points out? I used to love playing your games, man. Hard Drive: This is not at all what I wanted to talk about, Crash.Ĭrash Bandicoot: The woke mind virus was the real pandemic. I know it’ll surprise some of my fans, but I just think he’s the guy for the moment. Really.Ĭrash Bandicoot: Look, I’m supporting Ron DeSantis. Hard Drive: No, I don’t want this to get political at all. Whatever’s bothering you.Ĭrash Bandicoot: I feel like you’re trying to take this down a political path, and I really don’t know if that’s the best thing to do here. Hard Drive: So what are you so upset about? What is it that has you so agitated?Ĭrash Bandicoot: Do you mean, like, politically? Hard Drive: Didn’t Crash Bandicoot 4 come out a few years ago?Ĭrash Bandicoot: Oh yeah. ![]() Hard Drive: I wish you wouldn’t keep fucking around like that.Ĭrash Bandicoot (returning to his seat): Yeah, and I wish they still made Crash Bandicoot games! I lost my patience once he wandered into the diner’s kitchen and demanded the staff tell him how “everything works back here.” Try as I might, I couldn’t help the situation. I asked him if he’d been enjoying the weather, he slammed his fists on the table and said it was all rigged. I asked him if he followed sports and he yelled that they were all rigged. For some reason, everything made him ornery. He would shout at people who recognized him, insisting he wasn’t Crash Bandicoot. A lot of the exchanges were difficult to transcribe, bordering on impossible, due to the erratic nature of Crash. The interview carried on in bursts, in between Crash’s frequent visits to the bathroom and trips outside to smoke another Marlboro. There’s no reason for a child to be afraid of bandicoots, unless that child smells like earthworms. My first game was almost rated M for that reason, you know? On account of children being scared of actual bandicoots. I just need to make myself look like a little bit of a dork so no one’s scared of me. You think I like wearing jean shorts? I hate these things. Hey you think they’d bring me an apple if I asked? Where’s the lady?Ĭrash Bandicoot: You think I’m being rude, huh? You just don’t know what it’s like for a big ass bandicoot. On the plus side, that backlash all sort of died down as everyone back home, uh, died down. A lot of people criticized me and said I ‘went Hollywood’ when I moved out here, but Bandicoots generally only live two to four years on their own, so you know. I just woke up.Ĭrash Bandicoot: Yeah, but I’m a bandicoot.Ĭrash Bandicoot: If I wasn’t famous, I’d be sleeping in a nest with my boys all day.Ĭrash Bandicoot: But also without Hollywood doctors I would’ve died like 20 years ago.Ĭrash Bandicoot: Yeah, it’s crazy. I can grab lunch.Ĭrash Bandicoot: Breakfast. ![]() Hard Drive: I don’t think we said, but sure. Let me see one of those menus, okay? You’re paying, right? You said you’d cover? Thanks for doing this.Ĭrash Bandicoot: No problem. This would be so much easier for the both of us if we could still smoke in diners, you know? (Note: Excerpts of the following interview have been edited for clarity, and we took out a lot of the apple stuff.)Ĭrash Bandicoot (returning from outside): Hey, sorry about that. Still, although he was grumpier than I would’ve liked, and the conversation ultimately took an unfortunate turn, it still was truly a remarkable experience, sitting and chatting with an icon of my childhood. He stops the waitress four different times to ask her if he can get an apple, even though she’s told him they have none. He keeps stepping outside for cigarettes the entire time we’re together. No, what’s strange is when the star of over 20 Crash Bandicoot games blames car trouble for his tardiness, even though I watched him spin his way into the parking lot like the Tasmanian Devil. Pac Man left me waiting in a hotel lobby for three hours while she decided what bow to put in her hair. To start, he’s 40 minutes late to meet me at the diner he chose. I don’t know what I expected Crash Bandicoot to be like in real life, but it wasn’t this. ![]()
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